Always Enough Page 3

  I stared out at the mountains again and let my mind drift to the past. A past I had worked so hard on keeping there. The emotions that went along with my past would be enough to drag me back into the water and pull me under if I let them.

  “Talk to me, Kaylee.”

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, then let it out slowly, gathering my thoughts before I spoke. “My whole life, I’ve pretty much had everyone tell me what I was able to do, and what a girl like me just shouldn’t do.”

  “You grew up with money—that was probably your folks’ way of taking care of you.”

  Facing her, I laughed, this time finding humor in her words. “You do remember me trying to use a hammer to put screws up when you first moved here, right?”

  She laughed and nodded. “Yes, I remember.”

  “Even with John, there were so many times when he would tell me I couldn’t do something. He used to kid me about it, tease me. At first it was funny: ‘Sure, make fun of me because I’ve never used an iron before, or never hung up a picture.’ Then it started to get to me. Started to really tick me off . . .”

  My voice trailed off. I hadn’t ever shared this with anyone but my therapist.

  “About three months before John took his own life, he told me he thought we were growing apart.”

  “What?” Lincoln gasped. “Kaylee, you’ve never told me this.”

  “At the time, I couldn’t really believe it myself. I thought everything was fine. I instantly thought he was having an affair or was interested in someone else. He promised me that wasn’t the case and that he felt like he was holding me back. When I look back on it, I think he was trying to save me from the pain of his suicide by trying to make me leave him.”

  “You think he had been planning it that long?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’d gotten angry with him because I was trying to put up wallpaper in the guest room. It was hard, but I was slowly getting it. He walked in and told me I needed to just hire someone because I was clearly not made for manual work. It hurt my feelings and felt like the last straw, so I told him that I was tired of the jokes, the little comments about me not being able to do things. He got angry with me, because he said he was joking and thought I had overreacted. He ended up leaving for a few days after he made the comment about us growing apart. It all seemed so surreal that I didn’t know what to think of it. He apologized a few days later, and we made up like we always did. Sex and then more sex.”

  Lincoln gave me a sympathetic look.

  “After he died, it took me months to get it out of my head that maybe I was the reason he took his life. Before you say I wasn’t, I know I wasn’t. John had some issues that went deeper than any of us knew. But at the time, I couldn’t help but wonder if I had missed signs of his unhappiness. That perhaps he had said things, and I had simply brushed them off, thinking it wasn’t important at the time.

  “I honestly never thought another man would make me feel the way John did. And then Ty came along. The instant attraction I felt for him was both a relief and a shock. I don’t feel guilty for my thoughts toward Ty, I really don’t. For the longest time, I thought maybe I was somehow broken because I wasn’t feeling anything toward men, and my therapist told me I had put up a wall to guard my heart. One look at Ty Shaw, though, and that wall came tumbling down, and I was ready to feel something for the first time in months.

  “I remember that night at the Blue Moose, Lincoln. The way he was looking at me, the way he held me when we danced. I felt it, and I thought for sure he had too. It was that electric of a connection. I was finally ready to let go of that last little string that was holding me to my past.

  “But when he finally kissed me that night, he acted like someone had just struck him in the face. He turned white as a ghost and took a few steps away from me. When a guy starts rubbing the back of his neck after a kiss and says things like, ‘That was a mistake—I’m sorry I did that. Please forgive me,’ a girl starts to worry. I worried for days that I had some weird bad-breath disease or I smelled bad, judging by how he’d acted.”

  Lincoln’s lips pressed tightly together to keep from smiling. “Maybe he had a different reaction altogether. One that scared him.”

  “Scared him?” I asked. Wait, what? That was an interesting take.

  “From what Brock’s told me, Ty’s been through a lot the last few years. The car accident, the pain-pill addiction, trying to find himself . . . maybe he felt something with that kiss that spooked him. You even said yourself that Ty made you feel things you hadn’t felt in a few years. Maybe he felt something for you that he’d never felt before.”

  I stared at her for a moment. I wanted desperately to believe what she was saying. Then I laughed. “No, I think Ty saw I wasn’t going to be a one-night stand, and that was what turned him off.”

  “Then how do you explain all the bickering? The way he looks at you sometimes, Kaylee? I see it. Brock sees it too. Hell, everyone sees it. He tries to hide it, and maybe he has his own reasons why. What about him being jealous over Channing?”

  I went to speak, then snapped my mouth shut again. “Jealous?” I asked, more to myself than to Lincoln. “Do you honestly think he’s jealous?”

  “Yes. My gosh, Kaylee, it’s obvious there’s something between y’all! An attraction that you really can’t deny. It’s covered up by the attitude you both give each other, but it’s clear you get under Ty’s skin, and I don’t think it’s in the way you think. I think he likes you so much, but he feels like he can’t act on it, and that agitates him. He then takes it out on you. I mean, you sorta do the same thing to him.”

  I let her words rattle around in my head. “This is interesting. I suddenly feel like I’m living in one of the romance books I edit. How had I not thought of it that way?”

  She took my hand and squeezed. “Sometimes that old saying about not seeing the forest for the trees is pretty spot on, my friend. Talk to him. You’re long overdue.”

  We started walking again and stepped up into the gazebo, where Lincoln sat down and let out a slow breath as her entire body sagged. “I’m exhausted.”

  “I bet you are, but you’re a great mom—you know that.”

  Lincoln smiled and motioned for me to sit down next to her. I did and looked out over the pasture. Small patches of snow still covered the fields. With the recent warm-up, the snow had begun to melt. I loved that you could see hints of spring trying to be born, but winter was still holding on with an iron fist. I wrapped my scarf a little tighter around my neck and took in the peacefulness that was Montana.

  Lincoln leaned her head on my shoulder, and it made me think of her asking about John a few minutes before.

  It had been three years since John killed himself. I’d had no idea he had been so unhappy. No one did. And he left a note that simply said he was sorry. It was a complete shock to me and his family. Even his boss said that John had been excited about a new promotion at work.

  That was the worst part about his suicide: I had no answers. Nothing that told me why. Could I have done something to help him? Was there something I missed that I shouldn’t have? The endless what-ifs nearly drove me insane and were part of the reason it took me so long to come to grips with his death.

  The first year, I felt like I was living in my own personal hell. I didn’t even leave my apartment for months. Once I left Georgia, and the familiar stomping grounds I’d shared with John, I stopped having the nightmares. I didn’t miss the feeling of waking up drenched in sweat, screaming for John not to pull the trigger. I wasn’t even home when he took his own life, but the dreams always felt so damn real.

  Of course, my therapist got me through most of it, especially the part about me keeping myself locked away from the world. It took me months before I could walk past the coffee shop we would stop at together every morning without breaking down and crying. And I hated myself for so many reasons. I couldn’t save John, I was being weak, and all I wanted to do was forget. My chest fel
t like it was tightening just thinking back on it all.

  There were so many times I’d thought about sleeping with someone, anyone, to take my mind off how lonely I felt. How hurt I was that John didn’t trust me enough to tell me he wasn’t happy, to share his suffering with me.

  I shivered, but it had nothing to do with the cold weather. I pushed the negative thoughts about that time of my life away and closed my eyes. It was moments like this that I did what the therapist told me to do when I felt those old familiar feelings coming back.

  One deep breath in, one deep out. Focus on the future.

  In. Out.

  Until the tightness in my chest loosened and all the bad feelings of anxiety and depression slipped free of my body.

  Lincoln didn’t say anything or even move. She knew the drill. Deep breathing meant I was fighting the memories, the fears and doubts. They didn’t always show up as nightmares. No, sometimes it was a random panic attack. Or a crying fit for no apparent reason. Grief and sadness had a way of wreaking havoc on one’s body. I could feel happy as a clam, then sad as fuck the next second.

  “You know he would want you to move on, right?” Lincoln finally said.

  “Yes, I know. It’s just . . .”

  She lifted her head and turned her body to face me, wrapping her own coat and scarf tighter around herself. “It’s just what?”

  “The first guy I let myself even think about moving on with rejected me and acts like being around me is a chore.”

  Lincoln smiled softly. “There are moments you guys get along. Remember when you found out I was pregnant before I even did?”

  A wide grin broke out on my face. “Yes, I do remember that. It was one of the rare times Ty and I actually didn’t fight. I think we were both too excited for you and Brock.”

  “Do you want a relationship with Ty?”

  I tossed my hands up in the air and let them fall dramatically to my lap. “Hell, I don’t even know anymore, Lincoln. I don’t honestly think I could take another heartbreak, and I feel like Ty would not only break my heart but rip it up into a million pieces and stomp all over them if I let him in.”

  “He wouldn’t hurt you on purpose.”

  Looking down at my hands, now folded in my lap, I saw how red they were getting from the cold. Why hadn’t I grabbed my gloves?

  “No, I don’t think he would, either, and that’s why he keeps me at arm’s length. That day I kissed him in your kitchen, I felt it, and I know he did too. He tried to play it off by acting like he hadn’t experienced the same rush of feelings I had. He chooses to ignore it, and I deserve someone who wants me—someone who isn’t afraid to show me how he feels, someone who will treasure the love I have to give to him. That much I know.”

  “Like I said . . . talk to him.”

  I felt my chin wobble as I looked back over the mountains. “And if he tells me he isn’t interested?”

  “Then you move on, Kaylee. Like you said, you deserve happiness, but pushing your feelings to the side because you’re afraid he won’t want the things you want isn’t healthy.”

  I nodded. “You’re right. I need to talk to him. And if he truly doesn’t have any feelings for me, I’ll move on.”

  Chapter Four

  TY

  I tipped back the beer bottle and took a long drink.

  Betty Jane walked up and tapped the bar. “Another one?”

  “Yeah, one more.”

  She motioned with her chin to the dance floor. “The brunette out there with the shorter-than-hell shorts on is looking at you again.”

  “Not interested.”

  Her eyes widened in shock. “So the rumors are true. Are you slowing down on your playboy ways, Ty Shaw?”

  With a smirk, I replied, “Hell no, haven’t been in the mood for anyone here in town.”

  “That’s because you’ve slept with nearly all of them.”

  I laughed. Hell if it wasn’t almost true.

  Betty Jane’s eyes went to the entrance of the bar, and then quickly back to me. “No one has caught your attention lately? Not even our feisty local city girl, Kaylee?”

  I let out a grunt. “Fuck, especially not her.”

  “That’s too bad. She’s making her way over to you as we speak.”

  With a groan, I looked over my shoulder and saw Kaylee walking my way.

  “Fuck,” I mumbled before I shouted to Betty Jane, “give me a shot of whiskey too!”

  “Hey there, cowboy, drinking alone, huh?” Kaylee said, sliding up onto the barstool next to mine. The way my body instantly came alive when she was near agitated me. It also fucking thrilled me.

  God, I’m fucked up.

  “Not for long.”

  She smiled, and it made my throat grow thick. She had no damn clue the effect she had on me. Abso-fucking-lutely clueless.

  “Are you waiting for someone?” she asked, nodding to Betty Jane holding up my bottle of beer.

  “Yes.”

  “Date?”

  “Are you working for the local paper now? What’s with all the questions, Kaylee?”

  Her smile faded some, and I instantly felt like an asshole because I was the reason the light had dimmed in her eyes.

  With a half shrug, she answered me. “I was just curious is all.”

  “No, I’m not waiting for a date.”

  Betty Jane came back with Kaylee’s beer and one for me, along with the shot I’d requested. I downed the shot first.

  “Something wrong?”

  I turned to Kaylee and stared at her. I tried not to let my gaze move to her soft pink lips, but I lost the battle before it even began. My eyes jerked back up to hers. “Nothing is wrong.”

  She took a drink of her beer. “Listen, I was sort of hoping we might be able to talk.”

  I looked out over the dance floor and caught the eye of the brunette. She was still eye fucking the hell out of me, not giving one single fuck that Kaylee was sitting next to me. I smiled, then looked back at the empty shot glass and pushed it away.

  “Betty Jane, can I get another one, please.”

  Kaylee looked at the shot glass and then back to me. I’d yet to acknowledge her comment about wanting to talk. Another asshole move on my part. Her eyes filled with a look like she was unsure about something, and I sighed. “What do you want to talk about, Kaylee?”

  She swallowed hard—and again, I could see it in her eyes. She was definitely unsure about something. Hell, she even seemed a little nervous.

  “Well, I was . . . I mean . . . I wanted to ask you why you don’t like me. Because I sort of feel like you don’t, and I don’t know what I did to you to make you feel that way.”

  That caught my attention, causing me to turn my entire body and face her. “Don’t like you?”

  “Yeah. I mean, it’s pretty obvious I get under your skin, Ty. I don’t know why, though, because when I first came to town, I thought maybe there was . . . um . . . there might have been something there.”

  “Something there?” I asked, knowing damn well what she meant and refusing to validate what she was saying.

  Hell yes, there was something explosive between us, and my heart and my body were at constant war with each other over that fact.

  “You know, an attraction between us. We kissed that night, and everything seemed to change immediately. Why?”

  I stared at her, trying like hell to keep my breathing under control. Why was she bringing this up? This was so out of the damn blue. I had no clue what to say to her. How to explain what that kiss did to me . . .

  I’d felt something I had never experienced before from just one kiss from her, and that scared me? She scared me?

  Hell, she’d laugh in my face if I told her that.

  Her eyes searched my face as I fought to find the words to speak. Should I tell her the truth, that she wasn’t like any other woman I’d ever known? That she was the first woman I even dared to want something more with, but I wasn’t sure I was able to give her what I knew she
deserved? That I’d already failed in my professional life, that I’d failed my family the minute I’d started abusing the pain meds, and that failing in a relationship wasn’t an option for me? It was something I didn’t think I’d recover from.

  Glancing back at my beer bottle, I pulled in a long, slow breath. I knew I didn’t deserve someone like Kaylee Holden. She’d already had one guy disappoint her; she didn’t need another loser. I was a player. A guy who hooked up with women for one reason only. Sex. That was all I had wanted with Kaylee, at first. It was all I had to give. Before the first kiss.

  Then the second kiss . . . that one blew my fucking mind. I couldn’t think straight for days after. She haunted my dreams and my thoughts.

  I looked back at her, and that’s when she smiled, as if she could read those thoughts.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I caught the brunette making her way over to me. Fuck my life twice. Jesus, I couldn’t catch a break tonight, when all I wanted was a damn beer or two.

  “Ty? Are you going to answer me? Why did everything change between us?”

  I swallowed hard and did the only thing I knew how to do. I put distance between us with a few harsh lies. “I wanted to fuck you, Kaylee. I thought you were going to be leaving, and when I realized Brock was into Lincoln and you were most likely going to stay, I knew I couldn’t do that to Lincoln. So that’s all you were to me, a good time, and I couldn’t do that to my family.”

  Her eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open slightly. The pain that sparked to life in those baby blues of hers instantly made me feel sick. I wanted to take back my words, tell her it was all a lie. That she did, in fact, drive me crazy, and that I did want to fuck her, but just not in the way she thought. I wanted more than that with her; the sex would just be a bonus with this woman who had the power to destroy me.

  “You couldn’t do that to . . . Lincoln?”

  I shrugged and put the last nail in my coffin by continuing to be a total asshole. “And you. I mean, I’m a dick, but I’m not that big of a dick.”

  When I saw the slight tremble of her chin, I lifted my hand, then stopped myself from touching her. Kaylee sat up straighter, reached for her beer, and took a long drink. Then she nodded and faced me. “Well, okay. I guess I got the answer I came here for.” She let out a half-hearted laugh. “To think I was stupid enough to think that maybe there was something there between us. I was just being naive and foolish, but no more. You just made my decision for me, so thank you, Ty, for that clarity and frankness.”